Failure is an Option

My journey to learn how to meditate began this week, and the road was rather bumpy. I spoke about my goals to a colleague at work, and he cautioned me that the journey would be sometimes difficult and frustrating but to persevere and not get discouraged when I failed at it. He had started meditating in the past year and found it challenging yet well worth the time spent doing it. Apparently, like anything else, meditation takes a ton of practice, so my hopes for sooner rather than later gratification were dashed. But, I remained resolute in my quest and encouraged upon hearing about someone else’s struggles. I know it won’t be easy, and I know that it will take time.

One of the meditation resources that I found claims that you can meditate anywhere. So, on Monday I tried it in my classroom, after school of course, sitting at my desk with my arms resting on my thighs and my palms facing up. The cross-legged-on-the-floor position doesn't work for me because I spend the whole time trying not to slouch. Then my back starts to hurt, and I lament the fact that I have weak abs and how I should do planks more often. So, I was comfortable, back supported nicely, and breathing deeply while reminding myself to focus on the moment, and very soon I discovered that I can actually fall asleep sitting up. At one point, right before drifting off, I remember wondering if I had indeed arrived the transcendental realm of successful meditation. I felt so relaxed and comfortable, and then I did that thing where your whole body jolts awake as you feel yourself falling. The next day, I tried meditating while lying down at home. This was a big mistake, and I definitely fell asleep, and fast. The good news is that when I have trouble falling asleep at night, the mediation techniques help me relax. The bad news is that actual mediation makes me fall asleep. I started to think that maybe I wasn’t sleeping long enough or well enough at night, so I made sure to go bed early that night. The next day’s attempt was a bit more successful. I stayed awake and was able to relax, somewhat, but my thoughts kept drifting all over the place. I found myself really struggling with quieting my mind and wondered how I could stay focused and mindful without actually thinking. It seems like a contradiction in terms, and I couldn't help feeling that I was doing something wrong.

I reflected on my unsuccessful attempts, and started to think that maybe one way to quiet my mind is to stop questioning whether or not I’m doing it right and to just do it. It’s hard to shut off the adult brain, the part that evaluates and critiques and is so noisy and judgmental. I think about when I was in first grade and got a Spin Art machine for my birthday. I eagerly experimented with colors and created what I thought were beautiful works of art, beautiful enough to go up and down the streets of my neighborhood and try to sell them for 5, 10, or 25 cents, whatever anyone was willing to pay. To this day I can hardly believe I had the nerve to walk up to the doors of strangers and bare my soul. If I had to do Spin Art and sell it now, I would spend hours second-guessing and questioning myself over every aspect and worrying about whether or not my creations were good enough. I couldn't do what I did when I was six because I've lost some of my ability to take risks. The child mind doesn't worry about failure and is focused on the task at hand. There are no thoughts about needing to pick up more dog food or to clean the shower before the mildew takes over. I started to think that I could be more successful at many things, including meditation, if I can tap into that mindset, the nothing-matters-but-what’s-right-in-front-of-me-right-now guileless, risk-taking mind of my childhood.